Battle of the Sexes

Just when you think you’ve put your past behind you, it pulls up and parks right alongside your present.  Here I was thinking Leon had finally sowed the last of his wild oats after we loaded up the truck and moved to Cali.  At the very least, I thought he would wait until he caught the Seven-Year Itch before trying to scatter his seeds again. But hey, you know what they say about old dogs and new tricks… And you can hardly blame dogs for doing what dogs do.  Dogs will be dogs; that’s why you can’t put ’em on a long leash… They always get tangled up sniffing around trying to mark old territories.

By the time 1996 rolled in, we were five years into our marriage and I no longer believed there was any truth to the sentiment, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” But as bad as things had gotten with his wayward daughter pouring salt into my barely healed wounds, Leon had given me no reason to suspect he was stepping out on me again. That had finally become the least of my problems. To tell you the truth, I never really saw him as the typical mutt anyway.  Leon wasn’t the type of dog you’d find running around the neighborhood humping any bitch in heat. He was more of a Beagle: Loyal but able to pick up a scent and follow it to the exclusion of everything else.  And with a nose like that, he could almost certainly hunt down and dig up some old bones for old time’s sake if he thought he wouldn’t get caught.

As you already know if you’ve been reading my stories, back in 1989 Leon made the mistake of wedging himself between me and that alley cat ex of his; and although he deserved every scratch he got during our run ins back then, somewhere deep inside I understood what he was going through so I committed myself to suffer through it.

With our subsequent move to California in 1991 and being 3000 miles away from his side piece, I thought we had finally closed that chapter of our lives.  But in the spring of 1996, he took a business trip back to Detroit and, well… you can pretty much guess what happened while he was there so no need to go into the details. Lucky for me his ability to track a scent was no match for ability to detect a lie; and all those miles between L.A. and Detroit weren’t enough to weaken my radar. I could still zero in on some BS when I got wind of it no matter how far. So when he lied about where he had spent his first night in town, the needle on my radar spun wildly out of control, leading me straight to the truth as it usually does.

After the previous two years dealing with this man and his infidelity, I couldn’t even bring myself to cry about it anymore.  And by removing all emotion, logic became the dominant force within me.  I was now able to think with my left and punch with my right; and I did just that as soon as he slid the first lie past his lips.

Karate was never my thing; so instead of chopping him in the throat Bruce Lee style for lying through his teeth, I just lured him into the ring and did a little Ali shuffle just to get myself warmed up.  I then set him up strategically with a few questions I already knew the answers to so I could gauge his tone when he’s lying.  Then once I backed him into the corner with all his lies, I landed a few light jabs and kept him pinned against the ropes so he could sweat a little.  At that point he tried to throw a few jabs of his own; but he tripped over his tongue and ended up confessing to what he thought was a lesser offense.

I didn’t have sex with her; she just gave me a blow job, and I only did it because…

He finished that sentence trying to make me responsible for his need to go elsewhere for particular desires because if it’s my fault, maybe I would be willing to swallow his Beagle juice anytime he wanted.  That tactic didn’t work, though; I blocked his punch and countered it with a jab of my own about his happiness being what mattered most.

You know, I really do want you to be happy” I said, “and if having more than one woman is what it takes to make you happy, then go for it… have all the women you want; but we will not be living by double standards.”

Sucker punch to the back of his head and down he goes. He got back up and stumbled toward me taking another cheap shot but he missed completely and left himself wide open for my next blow, which landed somewhere between his ego and his manhood when I hit him with the fact that we would not be living by double standards.

But you know men, they can’t take a blow to their ego like that; so with renewed ferocity and bravado, he lunged at me with the threat that our marriage would be over if he ever found out I cheated on him. But I was too quick for him and was able to duck before that punch came anywhere near me. He swung so hard, I think he may have hit himself in the ass with that one.

By round seven, I’d had enough of all that floating like a butterfly and stinging like a bee. I just wanted to finish him off with a TKO, so I went at him hard and landed my next blow somewhere below his overly notched belt and told him,

“When the day comes that I decide to cheat on you, this marriage was over long before you even knew it.”

But he knew it wasn’t in my nature to sleep around and I was even kind enough to assure him that I would not be out looking for an opportunity to cheat. After my playful little tap he thought the fight was over so he began to retreat to his corner. But I had to be sure I made my point once and for all. I wanted to knock him out cold! So while his guard was dropped, I reached down into my memory bank and summoned every lie he ever told when we were dating. With the pain of each and every one of his lies packed into my fisted glove, I landed my final blow straight to his heart, telling him in no uncertain terms, “This marriage is no longer a sufficient reason for me to resist temptation if it ever found me.”

Down to the floor he went. He reached for the ropes and tried to pull himself up again, but he was down for the count this time. And, me? I didn’t wait for the referee to pronounce me the winner… No sirree. I just walked over to my corner and crowned myself champ ’cause I already knew before I even stepped into the ring with him that there ain’t nothing that cowers a man more than a logical woman who can keep her cool when she and he both know he fucked up again.

Winner and still champ!