There came a time in my life when I realized I had to let go of all the bitter memories that kept me awake at night plotting revenge against my mortal enemies and just get back to being me… Forever Young.
I am so happy to have finally found my way back to me after years of battling a cheating man and a wicked stepdaughter. I’m a big kid at heart… I always have been and always will be. I love to laugh and see others laughing. I’ve heard it said that laughter is medicine for your soul and I believe it. It’s also the key to staying young.
But being a grownup and a kid at the same time has it drawbacks. For me, it’s the not knowing when to quit. Because when I’m out playing and having a good time, I don’t like to stop for any reason.
Take for instance the night I was hanging out with a few friends… well, actually, it was a dinner banquet that Leon was hosting and I just hate going to those things. They’re too boring for a kid like me; so I invited a few friends to join me so I would have someone to play with while the grownups mingled. But that night, Leon and I arrived at the banquet early since he was master of ceremonies for the event and I knew it was going to be a long night. That being the case, I proceeded with deliberate caution when ordering drinks.
I didn’t want to be intoxicated in the presence of all the fancy dresses and stuffy business suits, so instead of ordering wine or strong liquors, I started the evening with a few virgin drink; you know… the girly kind with the cherry sitting seductively under an umbrella atop the edge of the glass. It’s the kind of drink that tastes so sweet and innocent you’re enticed to drink more than your mind can handle . Then before you know it your judgement is so impaired it makes finding your own mouth a challenge beyond measure.
When my friends started arriving one by one, I went ahead and popped the cherry off that last virgin and finished her off like a furloughed sailor before taking on a more potent drink— Cognac and Coke… LOTS of Coke because I don’t like my drinks too strong. Cognac is Leon’s drink; and when I’m out with him, he keeps the drinks coming.
After about seven drinks, my pea-sized bladder had stretched to the size of a hot air balloon, only it didn’t have that same big opening at the bottom where the fire shoots into it. There was nothing else getting in my bladder unless something came out. When my girlfriends decided to call it a night, I hopped up from where I was seated to accompany them to their cars because I just wasn’t ready for the fun to end. As we passed the ladies’ room (which was situated right by the exit FOR A REASON!) I thought for just a second about going in to relieve my bladder, but I brushed off the thought and kept right on being a happy-go-lucky kid as we headed to the parking lot.
The group of us was still chatting when we neared the section of the lot where they had parked their cars. I started to add my two cents to the conversation, but couldn’t get it out because just thinking about what I was going to say caused my funny bone to pierce my bladder. Then all of a sudden I felt a trickle.
“Uh oh,” I thought, “I don’t think the pee-pee dance will hold back the volume of liquid I downed tonight.”
Being the trooper that I am, I gave it my best shot and clamped my legs together as tightly as I could. But no amount of writhing and twisting would stop the impending flood and I knew it.
That’s when I did what any grown woman would do; and in one swift motion, I slid my dress up and I went down. And there I was, squatting in the middle of the parking lot pissing and laughing uncontrollably as I watched daiquiris, Cognac, and Coke splatter the pavement and zig-zag down the small slope just ahead of me.
My friends ran off in every direction only to return moments later… laughing even harder now because I was still going full blast with no end in site. When the last drop finally trickled onto the pavement, it looked as if a water hydrant had burst in the middle of the parking lot.
Then there was the matter of wiping, and good ol’ Annie came to my rescue. Annie is the one friend who didn’t run when my other girlfriends fled the scene. I wondered why they took off so fast… Maybe they couldn’t swim, but Annie squatted right there next to me and tried to provide cover. And when the last drop finally dripped, she handed me the grease-soaked napkin that was wrapped around the drumstick she was holding. I knew then she was a loyal friend because from the moment she took her first bite of chicken that night, she couldn’t stop talking about how good it was. She was planning to take that piece home for her son to taste; but she tossed it aside to help a friend in need.
Once I reclaimed adulthood and dried the last of the wetness from my legs, I swore the group to secrecy before bidding them goodnight. I then trotted my shameless behind back inside and found Leon waiting patiently by the ladies’ room.
“What are you standing here for?” I asked.
“When I saw you leave the table, I thought you were going to the bathroom… You had a lot of drinks tonight.”
He knows when I’m drinking, I’ll hold my liquor until I can’t hold it any longer. He also knew how many drinks I had since he was sending them nonstop to the table.
The function had already ended so after telling him where I had been, we turned and left the restaurant hand in hand. As we were approaching his car he noticed how wet the pavement was and wondered aloud if it had rained. That’s when I told him what happened on my brief trip outside moments earlier.
“That’s my champ” he said, laughing like he always does at my shenanigans.
I decided then and there that no matter how young at heart I think I am, I’m still too damn old for underwear that’s better suited for flossing teeth. From now on, I’m wearing diapers when I go out to play with my friends.
Brought to you by Depends for those special moments when you laugh so hard tears run down your legs.